[ARCHIVE] #001

[leelath]

 Archived from leelath.livejournal.com

[RAMBLING] Just let go

Every single decision that was made, would eventually lead to this.

I'm tired.

Tired of bending to everyone's will but my own.

I tried pushing it off, the exhaustion.

I really don't want to hurt anyone, I just end up hurting myself.

I feel now that for once, I should be selfish.

The decisions, made by so many different people.

This time it's ME.

A life-changing decision, hopefully.

Because it is my life.

My life they tried to control.

I have to admit, they succeeded.

Up until now.

I'm taking back control now.

The "auto-pilot" has done too much damage already.

Even now they try to control me.

I can hear their voices.

But I won't let them. Not anymore.

People will get hurt in the process.

Actually no, just their pride will get a blow.

It sounds naive but... haven't they hurt me first?

I don't care about what they think anymore.

It's never good enough anyway.

Nothing is.

 

Strangely, I feel their control flooding back to me.

But I don't have to justify myself.

There's really no need for justification.

Let go off me.

Just let go.

They won't mind after a while.

I'm sure they won't.

 

I can feel the pressure building inside of me.

My brain, my heart, my stomach, even my lungs.

I can't breathe.

I feel distressed.

I'm paranoid.

Exhausted.

I realize now that not a single person, not even one, knows who I really am.

Do I even know?

No one cares enough to see past the mask I hide behind.

I'm pathetic.

I don't make any sense.

But it all makes sense to me.

Help.

But it's too late for that now.

 

Things would have turned out differently.

I think. 

I hope...